I've been trying a new brand of vitamins lately, a brand of vitamins that claims to be better because they're more "soluble," which is allegedly better in the world of vitamins.
Side note: How the hell can there be no such product as Vitamints? It's so obvious. Tic Tacs fortified with eleven essential vitamins and minerals. Come on, universe... try to keep up.
So, my new vitamins come in the form of a powder in a gel capsule. Now, I knew right off the bat that the vitamins are worthless, because any product that comes in the form of a powder in a gel capsule is a sham. It's probably powderized horse hooves and it's making me sterile right at this moment. But, I'm the kind of guy who is willing to give a pill the benefit of the doubt, especially after having paid for it.
This morning I popped one in my mouth and swallowed it. Then I popped in another one, because I had forgotten to take one the day before. I know that's not how it works, but allow me my voodoo snake oil fantasies. I'm supposed to take the vitamins with a full glass of water... but who has time? I walked out the door and headed to the train for work.
About halfway to work, while sitting on the train, I felt a strange sensation in my throat, like a tickle that quickly increased in intensity. While wondering what was going on, I suddenly let out a deep, body-shifting hiccup and out with the loud, cartoony, "Hweek-upp!" came a cloud of brown dust from my mouth and nose. It was everywhere, a fine particulate cloud around my head, as well as in my throat, nasal cavity and lungs. I started hacking and wheezing, and more brown dust came out of me as I did so.
The dust was in my throat, on my uvula and I thought I was going to vomit. I coughed up half of a wadded-up gelatin capsule and spit it on the floor, still trying desperately to breathe. Finally, I waved the cloud away and regained some composure. I breathed as best I could, and brushed the dust off of my face and clothes. I tried to get the brown powder out of my nose and mouth as inconspicuously as I could. Then I tried to pretend that everybody on the train missed the whole spectacle.
If you hear news of a demonic possession on an elevated train, they're probably talking about me.
"Excuse me, sir. You have some of your regurgitated, tainted soul on your shirt collar. And you dropped some ectoplasm on the floor."
